A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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