I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
