Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
May the power of my ass compel you!!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
