the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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