Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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