i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize