You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
