We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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