I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
