Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
