We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize