I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
