this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
