He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize