I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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