You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
