Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
