I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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