After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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