i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
