I can't breathe out the right side of my face
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
There's even glitter on my cock...
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