you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
