I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
