Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
