I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
