dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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