I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
