fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize