My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
where are you?
Hypothermia
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
