I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
