I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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