we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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