I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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