I feel like abortions should bother me more
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
