You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
