Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If I die, sorry about rent.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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