you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
