i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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