3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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