I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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