Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
