i would one night stand the shit outta him
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
