I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think pants incapable of making pants work
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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