Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
