I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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