Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
