1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
