He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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