Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
