A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
