Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
