He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
