I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
