i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
