This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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