I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
