There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I CAN MOONWALK!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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