He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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