I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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