When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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