even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
